Temperaments

(Check here for an earlier post on temperaments, with a couple external links to sources on temperament.)

I continue to slowly, ever so slowly read the excellent "Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles," by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka (see here forn earlier blog post on this book and topic). During my last morning off (my parents have fun with the girls one morning per week, but summer travels often interfere with this), I spent the morning reading more of Kurcinka's book and learning more about temperament. Using the book as a guide, I attempted to profile my, Sunniva, and Anna-Sofia's temperaments.

The goal is to understand your children's inborn temperaments as well as your own temperaments in order to reduce the likelihood of power struggles and other conflict. Understanding where kids (or everyone else, for that matter) are coming from is the key to good relationships and communication.

Each of the seven temperament traits have a scale from 1 to 5, indicated in parentheses.


Temperament trait...Laura.....Sunniva......Anna-Sofia

Persistence............high (4)......high (4)........low (2)
"How persistent are you? Do you quickly stop an idea/activity (low) or do you push to continue?"
Ace gives up rather easily on an activity she cannot do well. On the other hand, she is not likely to accept no for an answer. Sunniva, on the other hand, continues working on a puzzle until she can make the piece fit and is more likely to accept no as an answer. Since these are contradictory, I am dropping the "no" aspect of this trait and focusing on being able to give up an activity. I am pretty darn persistent. Exhibit A? My PhD. Exhibit B? My research publications including my book.

Sensitivity............high (4)......low (2).........high (4)
"How sensitive are you to sights, sounds, smells, textures, and emotions?"
I never thought of my self as sensitive before, but boy oh boy do labels on shirts irritate me (one is irritating me right now, in fact) and I am sensitive to loud noises, annoying lights, strong smells, and temperatures. Sunniva is not upset by loud noises and sleeps through barking dogs during her nap. Anna-Sofia wants an emergency "up, up, up!" when the garbage truck goes by and is instantly awake with the softest of noises during her nap.

Adaptability..........slow (4)......mid (3).........slow (4)
"How quickly do you adapt to changes in routines, intrusions, surprises, or transitions?"
Both girls need the "five more minutes" warning when switching to a new activity. Anna-Sofia, though, is much more upset when someone comes to the door without warning, or there is some other change to her routine. I love traveling, but when I am at home, I like things to be predictable. With kids, I am learning to be more flexible, such as changing plans at the last minute because of the weather or a tired child.

Intensity...........milder (3)....milder (3).......intense (4)
"How strong are your emotional reactions? Are you frustrated or upset easily?"
Anna-Sofia is definitely intense! She becomes frustrated easily, yet can calm down quickly. When Sunniva is tired, small things frustrate her, but generally, she can take things in stride.

Activity Level........high (5).....low (2)..........high (5)
"Are you always busy and on the move? Or more quiet and still?"
Ace noodles and doodles all the time and everywhere. She never just walks or just runs. She always adds in some extra movement, like a sway or bend or footwork. We really need to get our video recorder out for this. Sunniva can sit still reading a book for long periods, just like John. Me? It takes a lot to get me to sit still.

Regularity............high (1).......high (1).........high (1)
"How predictable are your eating and sleeping patterns?"
Happily, all of us are very regular. I can be more flexible because I am older and have practiced, but I love that having regular toddlers gives me an excuse to be very regular in our whole family life. Luckily, John is also very regular. We have family meals at the same times every day, one morning snack about the same time, a nap at the same time, and wake-up and bedtimes are the same time. John and I tried having the girls sleep in on the weekends, just 15 minutes or so, and every time, the girls were grumpy all morning. They are regular.

First Reaction........mid (3)......jumps in (2)...super cautious (5)
"What is your reaction to new things, places, ideas, or people?"
I love, love, love traveling, so I have to classify myself as medium here. When we enter a classroom or a group of kids at a playground, whether new or familiar, Sunniva jumps right in while Anna-Sofia hangs back. Anna-Sofia is very cautious and wants to scope out the people and setting first. Sunniva just goes right in and starts doing the activity, sure that everyone will want to play with her.

Some of the temperaments are less important to each individual, and some are more. For me, I need activity every day (exhibit A: my marathons and half-marathons) and I am very persistent (the bags from the trip must all be unpacked and things put away before we can go to bed!). I haven't figured out which traits are most important to Sunniva and ANna-Sofia, yet, but I suspect that persistence and regularity rank up there.

What have I learned? That each of my girls is unique and that each person I interact with is unique. When we go to a playground where there are already kids playing, I know that Anna-Sofia will need to hold my hand for a bit. Since I like predictability (see "adaptability," above), I can now expect this to happen so it doesn't make me grumpy. I know that the "five more minutes" warning is very important to my girls and I have to give it to them, even if it means we are late. I know that Sunniva is great at figuring out puzzles or blocks, and that if I do it with Anna-Sofia, I am going to have to be more patient. I could go on and on.

This doesn't answer it all, of course. These are two-dimensional scales and people are much more multi-dimensional than fitting on an integer between 1 and 5. These also do not cover everything about our temperaments or personalities, which is why there are hundreds of books on parenting out there and a hundred more pages of Kurcinka's book for me to read.

But, understanding this sure is making parenting a little easier!